Tags: life

It's sorta positive and not

Another week, pissed away just like that. Spent the first 2 days in KL house hunting and I think we've found the right place. I really want to fix the place up. I get inspired by these people who spend a pittance DIY-ing everything and yet the place looks amazing. I also figured it'd keep the boy occupied while I'm at work although he's not receptive to the idea. "well what if the land lady finds out we painted the walls?". The walls were stark white with furniture marks, I'll paint them back white FOC without a sign that there were ever any furtnire marks when we move out.

Right now, I just have to figure out what 2 ppl and a dog would do with 3 baths and an toilet. I guess I could bathe in a different bathroom everyday.

The one thing great about being back is having family support. My dad got a new LED so they have decided to donate their LCD which is pretty decent with FULL HD and all to their soon to be poverty stricken daughter and her BF.The boy managed to get a new electric stove, rice cooker, microwave owen (I don't get why they cost so much here), kettle and some misc items donated by his mum. We saved very close to 2k alone just on these items so it was very much appreciated.

I've officially been on holiday for 5 months now it really feels more like 2 months.

I have this sinking feeling in my heart everytime i think about work. I start on Tuesday. It's always been a struggle for me, I hate cocky people and i try not to be one but not being full of myself kinda makes me feel like I'm not very good at what I do or I won't be good at what I do.

At times I think of the positives, I would safely say that every manager of mine would never hesitate to rehire or recommend me. I got all the agencies I wanted over here to respond to me. I focused on 2 and I'm pretty sure I would've aced the other 2 had I not turned down the opportunity to interview with them.

Everytime people hear that I'm from Ipoh, it's kinda like "Oh (sounding dismal and concerned) KL is very different from Ipoh, people here are very on top of things, professional, cut throat etc etc". I've been also getting that vibe from people. It's really weird for me to hear that because I haven't been working in Ipoh, I've been living and working in Sydney for the past 8 years. Sydney is the most competitive market in Australia and I almost feel like you're saying to me that we people who work in Sydney don't measure up. Well, why are all the agencies in Singapore hiring so many Australian resources then?

All that's said and done, most of the time I actually feel the same like I'm not going to measure up or get along with anyone.

SIGH. So many insecurities.
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    busy busy
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I love my dog

Out of the blue my mum said that it's ok with her if I let her stay with them on alternate weeks. Somehow hearing that makes me slightly relieved that there's someone else who likes Booffy.

I admit that at times I feel like she's got a hold on my life. For example, we could never go on holidays together and I would worry my ass off if I did go for a holiday. Thank god we found the most patient dog sitter a year or so before we left. She actually likes Booffy too.

Aside from that, I'm house hunting now and I can't do condos. What do they have a lot of in KL? CONDOS. The boy suggested that we sneak her in and out in a bag like we used to. I can't though, I'm over that, it's just unfair to the dog and she's 19 freaking kilos. We thought we'd just be bold and we'd just live there until we get a complaint, of which we won't because she's a nice quiet dog. In reality though, I can imagine us taking her out for rides and walks and when other people see this19kg, slobbering, growling dog I'm sure it won't go down well.

I'm also contemplating of returning to Sydney. Not for long. Just 6 months, get a short contract and make myself some money because I never really realized how expensive it is to buy things here - the furniture alone is about to give me a heart attack. There is no better time to be working in Australia, the currency is overvalued. It's surpassed the USD and AUD1 - rm3.1! This is something that I feel will not happen again in decades, what goes up must come down. It has to, otherwise the local tourist and manufacturing industry won't be able to survive. Wow, I sound like some economist now. What do I know? I can't return to sydney though because I will miss her too much and a dog / baby needs their mummy around.

Lucky for her, mummy forced herself to accept a senior position so that she could afford the rent for a nice gated and guarded town house. Let's hope I wing it at work and I don't blow my cover.
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    blah blah
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The one hit wonder

Some things are better undisclosed and worked out without discussion.

I'm having trouble making a decision and I find it hard to discuss it with anyone. I don't want to be that annoying person who goes on and on about the same thing.

It hit me out of the blue that I've been very lucky with the decisions I made but if I were to look at it differently, I've been reckless.

Let's start post secondary school since I never got to make any life changing decisions prior to that aside from whether to enter the science or art stream. I still remember it being a pain in the ass to pick between the two.

I decided that I would attend Taylor's college and join the canadian pre-u program. It was my only choice.

I then felt like Sydney was the best place on earth and applied to only universities in Sydney. I was fortunate to have been accepted into them, it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I hadn't been accepted but any wise person would have applied to more universities and broaden their chances.

I didn't know what course to take and figured, I like computer games and surfing the internet, I'll do computer science! Put that down on my application form with very little clue what computer science was. It was HELL but it did help me with my PR application, I had the right skills.

When it came to work, I accepted the first job that came along, not with standing the shitty pay and that job had nothing to do with my interest. My 2nd and 3rd jobs were pretty much the same, I jumped at the first offer that came my way. I was fortunate that these choices worked out very well for me, I was in the right line of advertising.

I wonder how much longer luck will be by my side.

Here I am, fast forward 10 years. I'm still making the same mistake, jumping at the first thing that's come my way for job no. 4. I even turned away the chance to interview with 2 other amazing agencies. WTF?

In retrospective, things worked out but I don't know...I don't know if it's wise to keep jumping at the first thing that comes around.
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    contemplative contemplative
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What I think doesn't matter

I just realized how insignificant I am.

It doesn't matter that I don't like to eat fish and I couldn't care less if the fish costs a thousand bucks. It can taste pretty DISGUSTING. I don't want to eat what I don't want to eat but I can't tell you that because I'd be ungrateful and you'd get pissed off and ban me from the dinner table.

It doesn't matter that I've made such an effort. I'm the patient daughter at times putting up with ridiculous behavior. Yet you keep harping on about my dog even when she's not in the wrong. I'm not a piece of nothing that walks this earth.

It doesn't matter that I don't want to travel an hour just to eat prawns. I've ran out of excuses to decline your invitation. Does it matter that I don't want to go? Not to you. I'm fat enough as it is and just because you can travel to the ends of the earth to have a hearty meal, doesn't mean it's ok with me as well. I get bored. I get car sick. Why can't you just let me be? I can live without prawns, if you can't then go eat prawns by yourself.

It doesn't matter that it's your fault that we're not talking. I have to be the one who has to initiate conversation although I miss your friendship. You never apologized. My feelings, are they not important?

It doesn't matter that I've been the best friend I could, overlooking the times I've been FFK-ed. Now that I tell you what I think after the ultimate FFK, I'm the bad guy. Oh sure, you deserve more from our friendship. So for all the times that you've broken your promises, what did I do to deserve that?

It doesn't matter that I've told you several times that I do not want to work till the end of April, you still insist on asking me to change my mind. Is this because you think I'm a very understanding person or I can be manipulated. I'm probably both but it's my effing holiday, let me have my holiday. It never occurred to you that I'm stressed, depressed and unhappy and I need time to get over myself.

It doesn't matter that it was because of you and your mum that I could not go to HK. So please tell them to stop reminding me about your trip. It infuriates me and it's not because I didn't want to go. It's because I asked your mum about a million times and yet I got pushed back every single time. I chose to give up because unlike you, I don't have an ATM machine waiting for me at home.

It doesn't matter that you broke us. That you caused all this pain. Up till now, you've never done anything for me to feel as if you really regret what you did. Maybe you don't.
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    annoyed annoyed
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A big no

Checked my email and caught the preview of the email that elicited a huge 'NoooooOoooOOoooOO..." followed by 'WHYYyyyyYYyyyyyyyyyyyy..." from me so loud that it startled Booffy.

It went along the lines of "congratulations, we have approval from management..."

I applied for a job and I got it, so I should be happy, RIGHT? I'm not feeling a tinge of elation. Ungrateful much?

I've always suspected that the wires in my brains are slightly crossed. I've left the email unread, I'll just pace myself and read the email later tonight.

While I was having my shower earlier today I couldn't help but wonder what idiot would turn down a more senior role? Scrap that, I will honestly say that having more money is more important to me right now, which I turned down as a result of wanting a less senior role for now.

Where did my guts go? It's hiding somewhere behind the fear of failure and my reluctance to be stressed.

I watched 'Under the Tuscan Sun' 1.5 times (not my first time) on HBO this month. What a dream, dropping everything and moving to some place so beautiful and laid-back. If Ipoh were Tuscany, I'd truly feel blessed right now. I am quite conscious that Hollywood has a way of making things, scenarios, places seem more than what they are. I know first hand after being to New Orleans and New York that reality can be quite different from how Hollywood portrays it.

3 months later

I'm overwhelmed by emotions, all sorts of them.

I'm slowly accepting the reality that I will soon be entering the Malaysian work force. For someone who's used to great working conditions and pay, it is daunting. I know deep down that everything will probably be OK and all I need is to give it a chance but there's always a sense of bleakness that envelopes me.

Of all the places, I picked Malaysia. Exactly why? There's a dream out there for me to chase and I'm not sure if this is the best place to be in.

I can't quite put into words what I feel, it's a mix of

Sadness. Fear. Panic. Apprehension. Doubt. Resentment. Cowardice. Anxiety.

Coming back was a big decision and I made that decision. Right now, I just need to take the bulls by it's horn and charge forward. Oh that and pray very hard.
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    anxious anxious
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Effing hormones

Right now i feel like throwing my laptop across the room for no reason!

I'm blaming it on my hormones, it has to be, otherwise I can't explain this anger, frustration and restlessness that's taken over me.
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    angry angry
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My Purpose

I'm back from my month long trip to the states. Came back to this normal life of mine and a misbehaving dog.

Boyfriend and I are trying to work things through. We spent the 1st week of our holiday bickering every single day. The next 2 weeks went by without incident and we bickered a bit more during our last week. Things are never the same when something like this happens. Right now, I don't even feel like we will get past July, it's just a feeling I have. I question why we're even together and I'm now seeing all these flaws that I never really noticed before but instead of dwelling on it I'm just going to let things run it's course.

Being back means I have to start moving on. It's been around 2 months since I last worked and I'm not really in a hurry, but my parents are.  From my point of view, as long as I don't have much to spend on, I'm in no hurry at all.

Sometimes, I don't think they get why it's important that I feel like I need so much time off. That's a bit unfair seeing that my dad has been working continuously in the same company since forever, so maybe he might get why I'm so sick off working but it just doesn't seem like he does.

I'm constantly being reminded by well meaning people that coming back means I will be UNDERPAID, UNDERAPPRECIATED and OVERWORKED. I already knew that before I decided to come back but it doesn't help to be reminded ALL THE TIME and making me feel like I'm entering a friggin' death sentence. It only just makes me more anxious about the decision I made.

Having said that, I'm in a boring lil' town with too much free time. That means, I don't have anything to do with my free time. A typical day out with the boy involves eating, eating and eating. I'm being reminded almost daily that I'm too fat so I don't really want to be eating but that's the only thing to do in Ipoh. EAT EAT EAT EAT. So SICK of eating being the only entertaining thing you can do around here. I can't invite him home to hang out  anymore because I don't want to aggravate my parents with his presence. I don't want to be in his house either as I feel awkward around his parents especially after what's happened.

I feel like I've no purpose in life. It's such a bleak thought to realize how mediocre you really are and you're destined to work 9-5 for the rest of your life.
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    aggravated aggravated
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Stress before a trip is not right

I don't know why I put myself through unnecessary stress

I've to worry about a blizzard / snow storm that might delay my flight.

I've to worry about being denied entry because I'm currently not working, although by choice.

I've to worry about the entry requirements into the US because I'm a Malaysian. Can't do squat with my Malaysian passport. I'm supposed to supply them with some advanced flight information or whatever 72 hours prior to departure otherwise I could be denied entry EXCEPT Friday was a public holiday, so is today and there's a likelihood Monday would be as well.

As Friday was also a public holiday I was unable to book my transit accommodation in Doha and the singaporean office suggested I go over and pay them. like yeah...what century is this? There are more efficient ways of running a business for example PAYING OVER THE PHONE BY CREDIT CARD. I now have to find my accommodation which sux because the hotels in Doha are as expensive as they are in New York . I also have to worry about not being allowed to stay in the same room with another male if you're unmarried.

I should just gone with china airlines which only had a few hours stop over. SERVES ME RIGHT! BAH!

I haven't booked the accommodation for the 2nd half of my trip, I don't have an itinerary for my trip to new york.

I tell myself that everything will fall into it's own place when the time comes. DOES IT REALLY? I usually hate myself when something goes wrong that's why I don't like it when things go wrong.

I think I've got issues dealing with stress. You'd think with all the shit I put up at work, this would be peanuts.
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    anxious anxious
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Music to heal my soul

There's something magical about music.

When I start playing The Prayer by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion that big squeeze on my heart actually loosens up.

When I stop, it automatically clenches up again.

I was finally able to sleep yesterday without images of the both of them waking me from my sleep every 15 minutes.

Another song that I've managed to find solace in is 'Apologize'.

It's a song that we both loved. I feared that it would only make me think of him but I actually don't. It soothes me and gives me hope that one day I will be able to say 'it's too late to apologize' rather than 'please apologize to me so that we can be together again'.

Just a side note, I don't think the lyrics really match the tune. The song is pretty melancholic and the fact that you're able to get over someone and to say to them it's too late should be something worth rejoicing for.

The thought of me going to new york alone really made me feel depressed before.

Today I'm feeling hopeful and I dare say a little excited as well.
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    calm calm
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