I'm back from my month long trip to the states. Came back to this normal life of mine and a misbehaving dog.
Boyfriend and I are trying to work things through. We spent the 1st week of our holiday bickering every single day. The next 2 weeks went by without incident and we bickered a bit more during our last week. Things are never the same when something like this happens. Right now, I don't even feel like we will get past July, it's just a feeling I have. I question why we're even together and I'm now seeing all these flaws that I never really noticed before but instead of dwelling on it I'm just going to let things run it's course.
Being back means I have to start moving on. It's been around 2 months since I last worked and I'm not really in a hurry, but my parents are. From my point of view, as long as I don't have much to spend on, I'm in no hurry at all.
Sometimes, I don't think they get why it's important that I feel like I need so much time off. That's a bit unfair seeing that my dad has been working continuously in the same company since forever, so maybe he might get why I'm so sick off working but it just doesn't seem like he does.
I'm constantly being reminded by well meaning people that coming back means I will be UNDERPAID, UNDERAPPRECIATED and OVERWORKED. I already knew that before I decided to come back but it doesn't help to be reminded ALL THE TIME and making me feel like I'm entering a friggin' death sentence. It only just makes me more anxious about the decision I made.
Having said that, I'm in a boring lil' town with too much free time. That means, I don't have anything to do with my free time. A typical day out with the boy involves eating, eating and eating. I'm being reminded almost daily that I'm too fat so I don't really want to be eating but that's the only thing to do in Ipoh. EAT EAT EAT EAT. So SICK of eating being the only entertaining thing you can do around here. I can't invite him home to hang out anymore because I don't want to aggravate my parents with his presence. I don't want to be in his house either as I feel awkward around his parents especially after what's happened.
I feel like I've no purpose in life. It's such a bleak thought to realize how mediocre you really are and you're destined to work 9-5 for the rest of your life.
I don't know why I put myself through unnecessary stress
I've to worry about a blizzard / snow storm that might delay my flight.
I've to worry about being denied entry because I'm currently not working, although by choice.
I've to worry about the entry requirements into the US because I'm a Malaysian. Can't do squat with my Malaysian passport. I'm supposed to supply them with some advanced flight information or whatever 72 hours prior to departure otherwise I could be denied entry EXCEPT Friday was a public holiday, so is today and there's a likelihood Monday would be as well.
As Friday was also a public holiday I was unable to book my transit accommodation in Doha and the singaporean office suggested I go over and pay them. like yeah...what century is this? There are more efficient ways of running a business for example PAYING OVER THE PHONE BY CREDIT CARD. I now have to find my accommodation which sux because the hotels in Doha are as expensive as they are in New York . I also have to worry about not being allowed to stay in the same room with another male if you're unmarried.
I should just gone with china airlines which only had a few hours stop over. SERVES ME RIGHT! BAH!
I haven't booked the accommodation for the 2nd half of my trip, I don't have an itinerary for my trip to new york.
I tell myself that everything will fall into it's own place when the time comes. DOES IT REALLY? I usually hate myself when something goes wrong that's why I don't like it when things go wrong.
I think I've got issues dealing with stress. You'd think with all the shit I put up at work, this would be peanuts.
When I start playing The Prayer by Andrea Bocelli and Celine Dion that big squeeze on my heart actually loosens up.
When I stop, it automatically clenches up again.
I was finally able to sleep yesterday without images of the both of them waking me from my sleep every 15 minutes.
Another song that I've managed to find solace in is 'Apologize'.
It's a song that we both loved. I feared that it would only make me think of him but I actually don't. It soothes me and gives me hope that one day I will be able to say 'it's too late to apologize' rather than 'please apologize to me so that we can be together again'.
Just a side note, I don't think the lyrics really match the tune. The song is pretty melancholic and the fact that you're able to get over someone and to say to them it's too late should be something worth rejoicing for.
The thought of me going to new york alone really made me feel depressed before.
Today I'm feeling hopeful and I dare say a little excited as well.
The thought of having to pack is making me physically ill.
I can just feel my head spinning and I want to latch on to my bed.
I also just found out that I'm having Syrian cuisine next week, I kind of don't know how to tell someone who's already made the booking that I don't want to have dips, breads, lamb, baklava, olives. It's literally having Greek again.
I submitted my resignation last week, it's almost becoming a habit! 3 jobs in 4 years. I'd like to think that I had a valid reason for leaving every single time but here's hoping my next one is going to last at least 2 years. Leaving after a year is quite a norm for my industry due to the highly stressful nature of my role but I'm not sure it will be looked upon so favorably if I were to ever change industries.
The next 4 weeks are going to be hectic. Lots of cleaning and packing before I leave for my very long holiday. I've been frantically trying to lose weight. No idea how I manage to pile on 5kgs (I'm in denial).
I finally got hold of this blush from last year. I figured since I've waited a whole year I might as well just buy it. Look how pretty the lace print is. *swoons*
The weather in Sydney has been quite erratic lately. Hot one second and pouring the next.
Hope everyone is having a good week and it'll stay good leading up to Christmas. Booffy says Hi!