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Rambles · & · Shambles

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I want to describe my feeling as depressed but I am not sure if it is too severe.

I had curry for dinner last night, come this morning my tummy hasn't stopped doing cartwheels ever since.

I felt like an alien today. I am trying to remember what it felt like the last time I started a new job.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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The last time I was back in Malaysia was during CNY 2009. Towards the end of my holiday I developed some nasty allergy and the skin around my eyes started to get red and flaky. It was a nasty sight.

This time around, aside from being inflicted by an eye infection no thanks to Acuvue Oasys, I find the skin around my eyes starting to itch really badly. Not just that, I'm constantly scratching and rubbing my eyes. I can't figure out what's causing it. I feel like it's an allergy but to what? Maybe I'm allergic to the natural hair in my eye brushes. I refuse to believe it's the concealer. I need concealer like I need cake.

Speaking of brushes, being back home, I think I'm going to start wearing more base makeup. I sorta did it minimally for around 2 years(that didn't stop me from collecting eye shadows) as I wanted to fix my skin.

Now I am convinced I need new brushes and I'm venturing into synthetic brushes. Because I was a sucker for blushers, I have about 5 blush brushes a few eye brushes from MAC and sadly not an effective one for mineral makeup, loose powder and powder foundation. Everytime I need to apply loose powder I use the one from sephora (scratchy) or my MAC 129 (which sheds like nobody's business).
For everything else, blush, mineral makeup, loose powder, powder foundation I use the 187 which requires frequent cleaning.

Can't wait to get these when mum gets back! BTW are the reviews on sephora biased? Check out the reviews in the link below, how can anyone not buy them when they make me feel like I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THEM. I hardly ever come across any bad reviews. The last time I bought a brush set from them, I barely used, they really weren't THAT great. I hope it's better this time around.



Source:
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P280421&categoryId=B70
http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P255416&categoryId=C17383&shouldPaginate=true

I've been spending the past hour pulling out clothes from my space bag. I'm glad I'm airing them now, pretty sure people at work aren't going to appreciate standing close to me if I hadn't. Packing is pretty sickening. I packed to come back, unpacked and now I am packing again and then I have to unpack. BORING, i rather nap.
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I'm feeling:
rushed rushed
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Another week, pissed away just like that. Spent the first 2 days in KL house hunting and I think we've found the right place. I really want to fix the place up. I get inspired by these people who spend a pittance DIY-ing everything and yet the place looks amazing. I also figured it'd keep the boy occupied while I'm at work although he's not receptive to the idea. "well what if the land lady finds out we painted the walls?". The walls were stark white with furniture marks, I'll paint them back white FOC without a sign that there were ever any furtnire marks when we move out.

Right now, I just have to figure out what 2 ppl and a dog would do with 3 baths and an toilet. I guess I could bathe in a different bathroom everyday.

The one thing great about being back is having family support. My dad got a new LED so they have decided to donate their LCD which is pretty decent with FULL HD and all to their soon to be poverty stricken daughter and her BF.The boy managed to get a new electric stove, rice cooker, microwave owen (I don't get why they cost so much here), kettle and some misc items donated by his mum. We saved very close to 2k alone just on these items so it was very much appreciated.

I've officially been on holiday for 5 months now it really feels more like 2 months.

I have this sinking feeling in my heart everytime i think about work. I start on Tuesday. It's always been a struggle for me, I hate cocky people and i try not to be one but not being full of myself kinda makes me feel like I'm not very good at what I do or I won't be good at what I do.

At times I think of the positives, I would safely say that every manager of mine would never hesitate to rehire or recommend me. I got all the agencies I wanted over here to respond to me. I focused on 2 and I'm pretty sure I would've aced the other 2 had I not turned down the opportunity to interview with them.

Everytime people hear that I'm from Ipoh, it's kinda like "Oh (sounding dismal and concerned) KL is very different from Ipoh, people here are very on top of things, professional, cut throat etc etc". I've been also getting that vibe from people. It's really weird for me to hear that because I haven't been working in Ipoh, I've been living and working in Sydney for the past 8 years. Sydney is the most competitive market in Australia and I almost feel like you're saying to me that we people who work in Sydney don't measure up. Well, why are all the agencies in Singapore hiring so many Australian resources then?

All that's said and done, most of the time I actually feel the same like I'm not going to measure up or get along with anyone.

SIGH. So many insecurities.
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I'm feeling:
busy busy
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Out of the blue my mum said that it's ok with her if I let her stay with them on alternate weeks. Somehow hearing that makes me slightly relieved that there's someone else who likes Booffy.

I admit that at times I feel like she's got a hold on my life. For example, we could never go on holidays together and I would worry my ass off if I did go for a holiday. Thank god we found the most patient dog sitter a year or so before we left. She actually likes Booffy too.

Aside from that, I'm house hunting now and I can't do condos. What do they have a lot of in KL? CONDOS. The boy suggested that we sneak her in and out in a bag like we used to. I can't though, I'm over that, it's just unfair to the dog and she's 19 freaking kilos. We thought we'd just be bold and we'd just live there until we get a complaint, of which we won't because she's a nice quiet dog. In reality though, I can imagine us taking her out for rides and walks and when other people see this19kg, slobbering, growling dog I'm sure it won't go down well.

I'm also contemplating of returning to Sydney. Not for long. Just 6 months, get a short contract and make myself some money because I never really realized how expensive it is to buy things here - the furniture alone is about to give me a heart attack. There is no better time to be working in Australia, the currency is overvalued. It's surpassed the USD and AUD1 - rm3.1! This is something that I feel will not happen again in decades, what goes up must come down. It has to, otherwise the local tourist and manufacturing industry won't be able to survive. Wow, I sound like some economist now. What do I know? I can't return to sydney though because I will miss her too much and a dog / baby needs their mummy around.

Lucky for her, mummy forced herself to accept a senior position so that she could afford the rent for a nice gated and guarded town house. Let's hope I wing it at work and I don't blow my cover.
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I'm feeling:
blah blah
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Some things are better undisclosed and worked out without discussion.

I'm having trouble making a decision and I find it hard to discuss it with anyone. I don't want to be that annoying person who goes on and on about the same thing.

It hit me out of the blue that I've been very lucky with the decisions I made but if I were to look at it differently, I've been reckless.

Let's start post secondary school since I never got to make any life changing decisions prior to that aside from whether to enter the science or art stream. I still remember it being a pain in the ass to pick between the two.

I decided that I would attend Taylor's college and join the canadian pre-u program. It was my only choice.

I then felt like Sydney was the best place on earth and applied to only universities in Sydney. I was fortunate to have been accepted into them, it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I hadn't been accepted but any wise person would have applied to more universities and broaden their chances.

I didn't know what course to take and figured, I like computer games and surfing the internet, I'll do computer science! Put that down on my application form with very little clue what computer science was. It was HELL but it did help me with my PR application, I had the right skills.

When it came to work, I accepted the first job that came along, not with standing the shitty pay and that job had nothing to do with my interest. My 2nd and 3rd jobs were pretty much the same, I jumped at the first offer that came my way. I was fortunate that these choices worked out very well for me, I was in the right line of advertising.

I wonder how much longer luck will be by my side.

Here I am, fast forward 10 years. I'm still making the same mistake, jumping at the first thing that's come my way for job no. 4. I even turned away the chance to interview with 2 other amazing agencies. WTF?

In retrospective, things worked out but I don't know...I don't know if it's wise to keep jumping at the first thing that comes around.
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I'm feeling:
contemplative contemplative
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2 weeks or has it been 3 weeks after accepting an offer, I'm now being offered a lot more money by a competitor and have been asked if I'm interested in attending interviews at 2 other agencies.

How did I manage to screw such a simple process up? 

You go for interviews, then you weigh your options. It's really as simple as that. Yet, everything's playing out in a way where now I might have to back out of this offer I accepted and explore my options after the fact.

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I'm feeling:
bored bored
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I'm normal. I'm going through the same phases as everyone else.

Right now I'd love a house of my own like every other person around my age snapping up properties. Not here, not in Sydney but in Pasadena. That lovely home which you see a lot on Brothers and Sisters.

Seeing it's in Pasadena and so close to downtown LA, it probably costs millions. it's also really close by to Rowland heights meaning lotsa good chinese food.


Source: http://gowalla.com/spots/1141283
 
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I'm feeling:
blank blank
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I just realized how insignificant I am.

It doesn't matter that I don't like to eat fish and I couldn't care less if the fish costs a thousand bucks. It can taste pretty DISGUSTING. I don't want to eat what I don't want to eat but I can't tell you that because I'd be ungrateful and you'd get pissed off and ban me from the dinner table.

It doesn't matter that I've made such an effort. I'm the patient daughter at times putting up with ridiculous behavior. Yet you keep harping on about my dog even when she's not in the wrong. I'm not a piece of nothing that walks this earth.

It doesn't matter that I don't want to travel an hour just to eat prawns. I've ran out of excuses to decline your invitation. Does it matter that I don't want to go? Not to you. I'm fat enough as it is and just because you can travel to the ends of the earth to have a hearty meal, doesn't mean it's ok with me as well. I get bored. I get car sick. Why can't you just let me be? I can live without prawns, if you can't then go eat prawns by yourself.

It doesn't matter that it's your fault that we're not talking. I have to be the one who has to initiate conversation although I miss your friendship. You never apologized. My feelings, are they not important?

It doesn't matter that I've been the best friend I could, overlooking the times I've been FFK-ed. Now that I tell you what I think after the ultimate FFK, I'm the bad guy. Oh sure, you deserve more from our friendship. So for all the times that you've broken your promises, what did I do to deserve that?

It doesn't matter that I've told you several times that I do not want to work till the end of April, you still insist on asking me to change my mind. Is this because you think I'm a very understanding person or I can be manipulated. I'm probably both but it's my effing holiday, let me have my holiday. It never occurred to you that I'm stressed, depressed and unhappy and I need time to get over myself.

It doesn't matter that it was because of you and your mum that I could not go to HK. So please tell them to stop reminding me about your trip. It infuriates me and it's not because I didn't want to go. It's because I asked your mum about a million times and yet I got pushed back every single time. I chose to give up because unlike you, I don't have an ATM machine waiting for me at home.

It doesn't matter that you broke us. That you caused all this pain. Up till now, you've never done anything for me to feel as if you really regret what you did. Maybe you don't.
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I'm feeling:
annoyed annoyed
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Checked my email and caught the preview of the email that elicited a huge 'NoooooOoooOOoooOO..." followed by 'WHYYyyyyYYyyyyyyyyyyyy..." from me so loud that it startled Booffy.

It went along the lines of "congratulations, we have approval from management..."

I applied for a job and I got it, so I should be happy, RIGHT? I'm not feeling a tinge of elation. Ungrateful much?

I've always suspected that the wires in my brains are slightly crossed. I've left the email unread, I'll just pace myself and read the email later tonight.

While I was having my shower earlier today I couldn't help but wonder what idiot would turn down a more senior role? Scrap that, I will honestly say that having more money is more important to me right now, which I turned down as a result of wanting a less senior role for now.

Where did my guts go? It's hiding somewhere behind the fear of failure and my reluctance to be stressed.

I watched 'Under the Tuscan Sun' 1.5 times (not my first time) on HBO this month. What a dream, dropping everything and moving to some place so beautiful and laid-back. If Ipoh were Tuscany, I'd truly feel blessed right now. I am quite conscious that Hollywood has a way of making things, scenarios, places seem more than what they are. I know first hand after being to New Orleans and New York that reality can be quite different from how Hollywood portrays it.

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I'm feeling:
bored bored
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I'm overwhelmed by emotions, all sorts of them.

I'm slowly accepting the reality that I will soon be entering the Malaysian work force. For someone who's used to great working conditions and pay, it is daunting. I know deep down that everything will probably be OK and all I need is to give it a chance but there's always a sense of bleakness that envelopes me.

Of all the places, I picked Malaysia. Exactly why? There's a dream out there for me to chase and I'm not sure if this is the best place to be in.

I can't quite put into words what I feel, it's a mix of

Sadness. Fear. Panic. Apprehension. Doubt. Resentment. Cowardice. Anxiety.

Coming back was a big decision and I made that decision. Right now, I just need to take the bulls by it's horn and charge forward. Oh that and pray very hard.

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I'm feeling:
anxious anxious
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